An affair is when one committed partner engages in a romantic or a sexual relationship with another person outside of the relationship. This is usually a repeated act and involves lying, deceiving, and hiding the behavior of the perpetrator to the victim. The reason this needs to be defined is because too often, I find that the perpetrator of the affair minimizes his/her behavior to the affected partner as “just sex” or “no big deal” – which only makes matters worse.

Step 1 You and your spouse have decided that you want to work through the exposed affair and try to make the relationship work. Step 1 is the most important step. The perpetrator must take and accept full and unconditional responsibility for their behavior and the effects it has on the relationship. A relationship’s foundation is trust and respect. An affair obliterates that foundation. Lets talk about what full responsibility means. This means that the perpetrator does not blame, make excuses, minimize, invalidate, or get angry when the victim wants to work on or talk about their behavior. The perpetrator explains their behavior and understands that there are psychological reasons as to why he/she did what she did, (i.e. has to develop an understanding as to why they would choose to jeopardize their relationship, their promises, the trust, commitment, and love in the relationship for the affair).

Step 2 is that the perpetrator has to make themselves fully transparent. An affair is kept alive through the use of deception, secrets, and lies. If the perpetrator wants to work the relationship out with the victim, then full transparency must take place in order for the victim to begin the process of healing and building trust again. Full transparency also means that the perpetrator must talk openly and honestly about their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors – even if they believe it will hurt their partner again. Once everything is out in the open, then there is little that can come up later to cause more hurt and destroy trust again.

Step 3 is to give the victim time and to learn to validate and be there for him/her. You (perpetrator) are trying to win back the trust of your partner. You may have a lot of reasons as to why you had the affair. You may be very angry with how you have been treated. Regardless, YOU are the person who engaged in the affair, not them. You are the one who has to prove yourself worthy. YOU are the weak person, not the victim. You have to get it through your head that you do not deserve to be trusted and your partner should not just “get over it.” You help them to move forward from it by how you are with them. You have made this mess and now it is mostly your job to clean it up. That means when your partner wants to talk about what a schmuck you are – you take it with open arms, when your partner is angry at you that they want nothing to do with you, you wait and reassure, validate, and attempt to comfort. When your partner wants to know more information, you tell them. When they want you to participate in their treatment (therapy) or otherwise – you go. If it is important to them in their healing process you make it your highest priority. Because if you do not – then you are not really committed to working on or in this relationship. That’s the message you send when you do not do the work of helping your partner heal. You send the message that you sent in the affair, “this is all about me. Me, me, me. I’m not thinking about you. You need to take care of you and when you’re done and good enough for me again, then come see me.” Pathetic and WEAK!

Step 4 Both individuals in the relationship have to take responsibility for how they let this happen. The affair is usually the result of several problems in the relationship that are woefully managed or not managed at all. Both individuals have to understand how it got to this point and move toward having a more open and honest relationship in which communication and the meeting of needs is of the utmost importance. Affairs don’t “just happen.” People who are blissfully happy in their relationships don’t cheat over and over again. Understanding the underlying problems in the relationship is a very important step. You each may discover that you both have significant individual problems that have to be addressed. A relationship is the expression of the mental and emotional health of each person in the relationship. If you engaged in the affair for sex, emotional connection, or to “get even” with your partner, your methods solve none of the problems. If your relationship is sick, broken, or dysfunctional, instead of pointing your finger at your partner, try looking in the mirror.

Step 5 The Chinese symbol for crisis is comprised of two symbols meaning “danger” and “opportunity.” Once the healing process is in full swing and you are back on track with one another – start the process of learning how to love one another in new ways, how to meet each other’s needs, how to be more involved and present with one another. Spend time together, pay attention to one another, learn new things about each other and never, not for a second, take each other for granted again.

I’ve run across this video before and I recently posted it again to our facebook page. I am simply struck by the amount of love and devotion to one another from this father and son. How many of us are this devoted to our children to give them these opportunities.

I’ll let the video speak for itself.

The holidays are wonderful time full of family, friends, and food, lots of food.  Many people feel they have to choose between enjoying the holidays and the treats that come with them, or sticking to a healthier eating plan and missing out.  Healthy eating does not mean cutting out all the foods you enjoy.  You can still enjoy your holiday favorites without packing on the pounds.  Here are a few tips that you can use this year to keep from overdoing it:

1. Be realistic, this is probably not the best time to start trying to lose weight.  Work on maintaining your current weight through the holiday season. 
2. Don’t skip meals.  Being overly hungry when it’s time for the “main event” meal leads to overeating.  Be sure and have a good breakfast (and lunch if your big meal is in the evening).  Stop when you’re full, instead of when you’re miserable.
3. Plan time for exercise.  Take a walk as a family, play a game of family flag football, or plan a treasure hunt that will get everyone walking around the house for a while. 
4. At parties, take the time to look over all the food before you start filling your plate.  Enjoy your favorites, and skip the ones you don’t love.  Be sure and take any fresh fruits or vegetables to balance things out.
5. Plan family activities that don’t focus on food.  Instead of spending a day baking cookies, spend a day making holiday crafts. 
6. Some holiday recipes can be tweaked to be a little healthier.  Try chicken broth to flavor mashed potatoes and cut back on the butter and milk.  Or try topping cookies with colored sugars instead of heavy frosting.  You don’t need change all your traditional recipes, just try one or two.
7. Holidays can be a stressful time too.  Having all those holiday treats around the house can make stress eating even more dangerous.  Keep healthy snacks around and send holiday leftovers and desserts home with relatives.  If you’re giving baked goods as gifts, be sure to wrap your gifts immediately to keep from sampling too many.
8. Remember holidays are best when you and your loved ones are happy and healthy.  Do your best stay healthy all year long by eating well and getting plenty of physical activity!

This is a difficult article to write and one that needs to be written. Don Harman showed us that depression has a face. Outwardly, it can look very much like Mr. Harman: happy, smiling, reassuring, authentic, jovial, and trusting. However, behind this mask is a broken individual who has a horrible illness. Depression twists and contorts the mind to the point that the person feels so horribly hopeless that the light at the end of the tunnel fades and then there is no light…lost. None of us know why Mr. Harman elected to leave this world by his own hands. As a professional, I know that this is not a decision that one arrives at easily. This is usually contemplated for years prior to the actual act. During that time depression insidiously consumes the person and there are usually signs, warnings, “red flags” that we need to be educated about.

Depression does not know status, wealth, success, defeats, love, happiness, relationships, kids, wife, job, or family, nor does it care. Suicide is not a selfish act to the person committing it. Many times the depressed mind has literally convinced the person that they are doing everyone a favor by killing themselves: “They’re better off without me. I’m a burden. No one should be around me like this. I’m tired of hurting everyone, disappointing everyone. I can’t live up to everyone’s expectations.”

Many times there are warning signs, sometimes there are not. The biggest warning sign is if a person is talking about a desire to die – pay attention. Hopelessness is probably the biggest factor associated with suicide, simply because the person has mentally determined that their future is not going to get better and therefore, they are going to suffer this way for the rest of their life. Other signs of depression include sadness, withdrawal, isolation, anhedonia (lack of the ability to experience pleasure), sleep problems, excessive fatigue, feelings of worthlessness. Dangerous signs that may lead to suicide could be: increase in risk taking behaviors or impulsivity, drug and alcohol use, making suicidal threats or gestures, making a plan to include giving away possessions, obtaining the means to kill themselves, “coded” talk – speaking about when they are gone.

For more information or for help call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline 800-273-TALK (suicidepreventionlifeline.org). You can also be assessed by a local psychologist or go inpatient at one of the numerous mental health facilities around Kansas City.

For some of us the only experience we have with suicide is from movies. Since it is getting close to Christmas you will see “It’s A Wonderful Life” on television somewhere. You will watch George Banks go through years of one defeat after another, slowly eating away at him, until he is standing on the bridge about to jump. Suddenly, Clarence shows up and spends the rest of the movie untangling George’s twisted, depressed mind until George finally understands how “rich” he truly is and, only then, can he clearly see what’s important in life.

I’m guessing that Mr. Harman was very much like George, unable to see how he affected the lives of those of us around him in such positive ways, how many people felt friendly toward him only to now feel the sense of loss and sadness. I’m wishing that Mr. Harman reached out for help. I’m wishing that Mr. Harman could have seen through the tangled web of lies depression weaves. I’m wishing that Mr. Harman could have recognized that it truly is a wonderful life. I’m wishing that Clarence would have shown up. Many blessings to Mr. Harman’s family and friends.

Metaphorically speaking zombies are everywhere. You can find zombies in just about any direction you look. Heck, you might even BE a zombie for all I know. Here’s some surefire ways you can tell if someone you know is a zombie. 1) They’ve recently hung around other people who “infected” them. 2) They have a complete inability to think for themselves – exclusively adopting a mob mentality. 3) They go after anyone who is not like them- constantly trying to make more zombies or destroy them in the process. 4) They are relentless – nothing stops them. 5) They work or live in packs of other zombies – all single minded – working together, but also not really caring about one another. 6) They cannot be reasoned with. All attempts to form relationships with them only end up in you gettin hurt. 7) They use you for what they want and move on to the next victim. 8) They are not interested in improving themselves. 9) You’ve seen them eating a lot of brains lately.

If this sounds like someone you know…run!! Don’t hesitate run away. If this is you there are ways to get free from the zombie curse, but it takes a lot of effort.

Like I said, zombies are everywhere. We see them in our political parties, packs of them at schools, at work, dysfunctional families, gangs, even in our church’s.

Just as much as there are ways to tell if others around you are zombies, there are also ways to be certain that you never turn into a zombie. Here are the secret antidotes to all of the zombie characteristics listed above. 1) You have to be sure to surround yourself with good people. Zombies infect you in a variety of ways. Make sure you stay around people who genuinely love and support you. Keep your distance from negative people who infect you with their judgements, their criticisms, and start to cause you to not feel uncomfortable being yourself. Be yourself ANYWAY!! 2) Think for yourself! Be aware of others who try to change your opinions, judge you as a bad person for having a different opinion, and expect you to think like them, or else! The best way to avoid becoming one of the undead is to think for yourself. Question, don’t settle, push forward, find, and question some more. 3) Don’t be judgemental to the point that you exclude others or want them to be like you. Variety is the spice of life and forming relationships with people is what keeps us all going. Having meaningful relationships are much more important than your opinions of others. 4) Take a hint. If someone is trying to set boundaries with you – they are doing it because it is what is best for them. Respect that. 5) We’ve all known people like this. Those who will say they are your friend or they care about you, but they talk badly about you, stab you in the back, and will cannibalize you if need be. Stay far away from these people. 6) Be reasonable. Know that when  you are dealing with other people in any capacity, it is best to be reasonable and understanding. 7) If you think you are being used…you probably are. Have enough self respect to move on from those who treat you poorly. Don’t stick around because you “think” they could be a better person. A zombie is a zombie. The only way a zombie will change is if they want to change. Nothing you can do will make them change. You can’t love “the zombie” out of them.� See  number 7 and know that zombies are not interested in improving theselves. They are who they are and proudly express this as if it were some badge of pride, when in reality, is very sad. Self improvement makes for a much more fulfilling life. Being dedicated to finding ways to improve your mentality will lead you to more awareness and enlightenment. Practicing this is the antidote to being a zombie. Last but not least, #9 – brain eating. If you see this happening turn around immediately, find the nearest exit, and run like you’ve got a bunch of zombies chasing you, because you probably do. Happy Halloween!!

Simple Steps

We are working every day to help people move to a place of acceptance and to learn how to take control by not putting themselves in opposition to reality. Acceptance is powerful and is counterintuitive to anxiety and depression. Working to accept what is, as is, moves your mentality away from clinging, attachment, and suffering.

Read the below article to find out more!!

Psychological Yoga

I teach my couples that Trust and Respect are the base for every healthy relationship, the foundation that allows love to grow. True love is the result of these two words being fulfilled in their most genuine and authentic form. I would postulate that true love does not exist without these two fundamental concepts.

Let’s focus on trust. So how do you repair your relationship when your partner breaks your trust? This is not difficult to remedy, however, it completely depends on who you are working with. Hint: Selfishness does not fit in the equation when trying to work out trust. Unfortunately, those who break our trust tend to be selfish. I continue to be amazed when I have a spouse who broke the trust of their companion by acting out in one of a variety of ways. When they hear from me that in order to rebuild trust they have to be completely transparent, they balk. They seem shocked that they would have to allow their partner to let them see their text messages, emails, how they are spending their money, or be responsible to them by letting them know where they are and what they are doing. They seem to assume that because they were caught that this was enough and that their partner should just “get over it.” This is when I politely have a discussion with them about living in a fantasy world and that they need to get back to reality if they want their relationship to work. I also remind them that they are not an island. Their commitment to their partner means that they are linked and what one does affects the other. If one is acting out inappropriately it would be absurd to believe that this “should” not bother their partner.

The second aspect of rebuilding trust is to fully take responsibility for inappropriate behavior. Period. Unselfish (emotionally intelligent) people do not blame, do not try to push the responsibility onto their partner, or try to make their partner out to be “crazy.” If the trust breaker truly cared about their partner they would do all that is necessary to remedy the problem. If they do not do all that is necessary, then chances are this is not “true love” but rather some perversion of something you think is love. Hint: no one “makes” anyone do anything. This is a form of mental abuse in order to evoke guilt and cause you to believe that you are “not good enough” when this is used by someone who supposedly cares about you. Someone who truly cared about you would come to you with their concerns, rather than act out to hurt you, or as a way to exact revenge, or “get even.”

Trust is something that can be repaired. Just like how trust develops, repairing trust takes time, effort, and commitment. Sometimes people who are trying to win back the trust of their partner will ask me how long they have to be transparent, how long will they have to reassure their partner?My answer is always the same. “You do it until.”